This May we received another little blessing, Abigail Joy Root. She is beautiful, happy, and energetic as she could possibly be at 3 months old. Our son, Isaac, is so loving and sweet with her. He has "boy" moments when he screams and growls in her face, but for the most part he loves her just as much as we do. He loves to entertain her and she just gets a kick out of it. Her laughter is contagious and the sweetest noise in the world. I love
every moment of being Isaac and Abigail's mommy and wouldn't change this life for any other life. They are my joy. Though I feel that being their mom is the best thing I've ever done I sometimes want to quit. Now I don't want this to be a depressing blog to read, but I feel I need to write about this in hopes that other moms will know they are not alone and be encouraged by what I write. I also hope that I am not the only mom out there that goes through the emotional roller coaster that comes along with being pregnant, delivering a baby, recovering from delivering that baby, and raising that baby to be a decent human being. Don't forget the pressure that society puts on you to be perfect and make your child perfect. I think I was about five or six months pregnant with Abigail when Isaac ran a short distance from me in a store and started being slightly abnoxious and loud. I was being calm and not trying to draw more attention on us by running after him, so with a low voice I told him to come here a couple times when an elderly woman was walking passed me saying, "he's old enough to know better." I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly so I grabbed Isaac real quick, put him in the cart, and made my way towards that opinionated elderly woman. I pulled up right beside her and asked in an annoyed, but polite tone, "what did you say to me?" She replied with, "I was walking to another aisle." "No, what DID you say to me?" She finally repeated what she said, "he's old enough to know better.". I replied with, "don't EVER say that to ANY mother." She kept talking, but we went our separate ways. I was so frustrated that I couldn't even remember why I was at the store. I had to call Wess to calm down. She was right. Isaac WAS old enough to know better, but he wasn't doing anything out of behavior for a two and a half year old. I give that elderly lady props for saying something to me, but she caught me in an already frustrated moment because I was trying to deal with my son. I wasn't just letting him run around the store like a chicken with its head cut off.
Most people know how young children act and will never say anything to you, though they may look and stare. There is too much pressure on moms, dads, parents, to keep there children from being children. It adds stress to the already stressed nature of being a parent.
When I was pregnant with Isaac and after I had him I didn't deal with postpartum depression or whacked out emotions. I was happy (like smile on my face every day, all day kind of happy) and thought, "gosh, I could do this ten times over!" Now that I have Abigail I'm saying, "I'm content." I'm content on multiple levels. Not only do I now have a boy and a girl, but I had a hard pregnancy and harder recovery. I was sick for the majority of my pregnancy and even tore a muscle or popped a rib out of place coughing (very uncomfortable). I thought I was having a miscarriage at one point. I couldn't get up from sitting down on the floor because my hips were in so much pain. And the list could go on. This was my second cesarean so I knew what to expect, but the first cesarean I didn't have an almost 3 year old running circles around me and a newborn baby always wanting to nurse while recovering from major abdominal surgery! My emotions have definitely gotten the best of me this time around. I have let my feelings and thoughts drown me to the point of exhaustion and minor depression. I lost focus of the joy that motherhood does bring and let the hard parts of motherhood beat me down until I couldn't get up. Some of you who have seen me would not have known by looking at me or talking to me, but Wess knows I have not been myself, but rather a crazy lady with a growl like no other. I tend to hide behind my smile and make everyone think, "I gots this.". I am now not letting the hard parts of motherhood rob me of the many blessings that come along with nursing your baby, watching them rollover for the first time, or seeing your three year old get excited about Dusty Crophopper (Planes) or as he calls him, Cropty Duster. There have been days especially with potty training where I wanted to throw my son down the hall way. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. It is easy to let those thoughts creep in when anger is getting the best of you. Your son no longer is your sweet baby who you love being with, but they become the little turd who is keeping you from ________________ you fill in the blank. I find I'm the angriest when I'm not getting what I want. BUT what I want is to be Isaac and Abigail's mom. The moment we get married we can't be selfish anymore. The moment we have a baby we have to get rid of ALL of ourselves. There is absolutely no more room for selfishness. Kids are demanding, but I'm glad that Isaac and Abigail demand of my attention, time, and energy. I think I had more to say, but it's late and the kids will be up in five hours. Thanks for reading.
Enjoy motherhood,
Momma Root
